Monday, June 22, 2009

Emotional Babbling

My last post was written in anticipation of being a first-time homeowner, and now I am writing in the disappointment of losing that beautiful little house. I am over all the initial disappointment, but it still sucks that I now have to go out looking again and try to find something that I like enough to spend almost a quarter of a million dollars on...

I am just going to ramble now because I am feeling emotional and once again, I don't know why. But I can guess why. I could probably attribute it to not getting the job I wanted and being stressed out that I wouldn't be able to find a job, or to losing my house. I also feel very alone. Earlier this year when I came back to Denver I wasn't feeling like this because I was meeting with my Bible study group and I just felt like I was "busy" most of the time, but right now I find that it is really hard to find time when people I consider friends are free to hang out. And I know this is pathetic, but whenever I start to get the courage to call someone to hang out, all I can think is "what will we do?" I also think I am emotional/depressed (oh here come some tears, dangit) because lately I have felt a very strong desire to KNOW someone and be KNOWN, more specifically, by someone of the male gender. I just don't know how that will ever happen. I have been in relationships with guys in the past, not successfully, but relationships nonetheless. I really would like to have a person as my companion, not just my silly neurotic cat. I sometimes feel as though my personality and whatever hopes and dreams I have had are slipping away because I am alone. I can only imagine, at this point, that it would be inspiring to share my everyday ups and downs and ideas and complaints with another human being, and someone who wants to know those things. I want to love someone and all of their "flaws" and struggle through life together. I hate being alone. I hate it. And I don't just want a roommate. But knowing someone takes so long, how do you start? How do you find them? Ugghh, now I'm just getting frustrated. I know I am supposed to be fulfilled by God and he is supposed to be my everything, but he put the desire for relationship in us, so I feel like it is okay for me to yearn for this. I just wish right now was easier.

I have really good days though, like yesterday, yesterday was good! I interacted with people and had good conversation, had a "revelation" at church about my relationship with Christ. I love moments like yesterday in church. I realized that I had been approaching my relationship with God in a totally wrong way and it was one of those moments where you realize you are doing things all wrong but it is okay because you just found out how to do it right. As anyone should know about me, I am a people pleaser to a fault. Well I used to be, I'm not so bad anymore but it is still a big part of me. I think it is a symptom of low self-esteem, but anyway... the question of whether or not you could "lose" your salvation was being addressed by pastor Hunter. He was just re-iterating that there is nothing that can separate you from the love of Christ and that God will never abandon. It just made something click for me! I just have the tendency to think, "what if??" what if I'm not doing everything good enough, what if I'm not acting the right way? But it is about loving God and living your life to show that he is your savior. Well, that is an insane understatement, but whatever. The fact that I don't have to keep doing everything right in order to be a child of God was just a huge burden that was lifted, and it's not like I haven't had that realization before, it was just something I was not currently living out in my life, and I am so glad I am able to see my error. Well that's enough for now, I think I will go for a jog.

4 comments:

Shera said...

Aww... I miss you!!! Get online today if you can :)

anng said...

I love you Heather! I know the house and the job were a disappointment but I have faith that something better will come along. You are one of the most amazing people I know and someone (of the male gender) will see that and before you know it, he will totally know you. ;)

HeatherAnne said...

I miss you and love you guys!!

Shannon said...

Heather. You're the absolute best. I'm so glad that I have to remind me of the BEST things in life.

I love you.